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 WHEN TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, you should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don't have to worry about
them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating
them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

Don't mess with old people

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

***********************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife."

(I LOVE IT!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

This is so true. I love to hear them say: "You don't look that old."

------------------------------

The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Mostly, because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place.

********************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is (sometimes)
comfortable.

*********

First you forget names then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget
to pull it down.

````````````````

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  I'm looking for
my wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does
she look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short
shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

(ADORABLE)

*********************

(And this final one...)

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

**********
Things You Learn if You Live Long Enough

Choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me." 

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness.  (Mark Twain) 

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person. 

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own.  I know that now. 

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of  rotisserie  chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"  

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box. 

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That's seven years in a row, now. 

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up.  When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore. 

I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store. 

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you. 

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.  I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin. 

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date.  So, tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments. 

I love bacon.  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting. 

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

Driver:  "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"  Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle." 

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.  He said, "I'll see," & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away.  In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C. 

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places. 

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. 

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook. 

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!" 

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas. 

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response. 

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s.  The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"  The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven. 

Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die? 

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings. 

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. 

So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m.  3AM!!!  Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes. 

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow!  My house looks great."

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you, stick around awhile... it soon will!